american guilt

man life has been weird lately

-i've my own apartment now (i share it with my older brother, but i pay the bills)

-my hair is long, like a hippie. it has been in dire need of a cut for weeeeeeks

-i have a new friend (!) from chile (!). his name is andrés, and i love him so

-i'm doing surprisingly well in school. who knew i had it in me?

-canada is paying me monthly. i assume they love me like an estranged son




god damn, y'all. i'm loving all of it. i've also tried some new things, met some new people (laaaaaaadies...) and workworkwork just the right amount. take that life!

could it be i'm becoming a man?! it's too soon to tell, but we'll just say, "yeah, i totalllly am"

i don't know how the hell it happened, but i'm at pretty much the same place i was last year at this time, socially speaking. it's a bit annoying. whatevs, at least i have jessica. i have tons of time to make new friends again up north and then awkwardly get back in touch with people from florida

i'm excited to leave again for michigan. times down here have been a snorefest. nothing even remotely exciting has happened since i got trashed on skindependence day. i'm beginning to hate summers, actually. my life has always been more active and involved while school of one kind or another is in session. of course, it's my own fault for being so damn lazy. i just love sleep... i love it so hard...



i don't know. it's hard for people to keep my interest, as completely douchy and pretentious as that sounds. i need some distance, some mystery between myself and others, because otherwise it just becomes a complete bore for me. am i terrible for that? maybe, i don't give a shit. someday someone incredibly interesting will catch my eye, and then i won't feel quite so dickish.

oh, and one last bit of great news! i have been approved for both tuition waiver and the monthly stipend from Canada. it's smooth sailing from here, assholes!

i just realised that Rich Terfry (host of CBC Radio 2 Drive and easily my favourite personality on the radio, if not all time), is Buck 65. and then my mind melted




god damn



also, i'm apparently not dead. i work quite a bit, and aside from drinking coffee and drawing comics at the looney baker, spend the rest of my time thinking about how i alienate my friends and how i probably shouldn't do that anymore. considering, of course, when i made the plan to go visit my family in floorlando, i couldn't think of anyone i could call that would even be remotely interested

on a side note, despite eating an unbelievable amount, i continue losing weight. it's unsettling. i suppose some people would love that problem, but i'm trying to keep myself in the 140s people



people should buy Dark Was the Night. it rules ass. waaaaaagh

i'm currently on a huge a place to bury strangers kick. they may be known as the loudest band in new york, but i'll be damned if there isn't a beautiful melody behind it. my affinity for shoegaze will someday interfere with my life


like this week maybe? i've deemed myself unfit to leave the house or talk to anyone. i sit about and listen to music or watch movies, rotting slowly into a sizable pile of blue. though i actually will have to leave on friday. i've both class and my airport adventures. whoo!




fucking noise, man. not like, noise music noise. more along the lines of music noise noise, you know? the kind that covers your mind with a thick haze and assails with lyrics and melody tantalisingly within reach. it's torturously good

crazy happenings about!

first, i got a job at 7-eleven and started working. midnight shift, bitches

but suddenly:
i've been told of another job i can very easily get at a bowling alley. it's much closer than the sleven, probably safer, and i won't have to work crazy hours. what to do, what to do...



other than that, i'm back in snore-lando on the nineteenth, and am to be there until the thirtieth. huzzah! anyone that lives in that city and would like to see me before i fade into obscurity/the æther should call me


i guess i've overstayed my welcome. i'm not interesting right now. goodbye

the play is over. bleeehhhhh

it went wonderfully. everyone was fucking epic. nice work, team



christmas music is on the radio. it's quite unsettling. just hearing it fills me with such dread and malaise. it's not anti-christmas, that is, anti-christianity. no, as lame as it sounds, i'm just very jealous of the falsified joy this "season" is known for. the omnipresent smiles and friendliness that seem to permeate any public display. again, i know it's all fabricated, i know it's all a ruse to get as much money as can be had, but it's the thought, the possibility (no matter how distant) that sickens and saddens me


aside from that, most things are ducky. the unwieldly yearning for romance has returned, but that's far from being a tremendous problem. my time will come

probably

strange things have been afoot recently, but i'm too happy to even bother getting into it

living on my own, though hard at times, is easily one of the best things that could've happened to me. i've finally learned that, HEY IF YOU HAVE TO WAKE UP AT SIX THIRTY FOR CLASS MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T STAY UP UNTIL FOUR DRINKING COFFEE AND TALKING ABOUT POKEMON. oops. (responsibility!)


classes are going well. i'm kind of kicking major ass at everything i attempt at schoolcraft. (modesty is for the lame. which is why i have it). i am quite proud of myself for actually being able to get back into the swing of school


the play opens in a few weeks. good gravy i'm gettin' antsy!

every where i look i see beautiful girls. love is just one awkward conversation away


oh, and cbc radio 3 is perhaps the greatest radio station i have ever heard. holy shit, guys

everything is glorious

aside from a slight side dish of heartbreak, everything is still wonderful!

i'm in college now! i never really thought it would happen. i guess florida sort of had this feeling of complacency, but moving up here really changed everything inside of me. on a side (slash awesome) note, i earned 100% on the english portion of the placement exam. i rule so much ass



i'm also living on my own now! I HAVE MY OWN HOUSE! well, technically i'm living with a friend, but we've no landlord, it's ours. freedom, you know? oh, and a car. i have one. i am quite seriously living the dream. and aside from having a nearly empty fridge (only pizza rolls and hot pockets) things are amazing here


and the play! i'm in a play called Playing With Fire (After Frankenstein). i am teenage/young adult victor frankenstein. god damn life rules so much ass!!!


coffee every night with good friends, being surrounded by people just as strange as i am, and being successful for the first time ever. that's my life, folks. feel free to be completely jealous



the preceeding livejournal entry has been approved by jimmy stewart

quite a bit has happened


my hair is short now. like, shorter than it's been since sophomore year. except for my elf locks. they kind of rule
it was last night that it was cut, by pam's hands. i didn't like it at first, but it grew on me (that pun is for the ones i love)


i played (and beat) katamari damacy. easily one of the awesomest games i've played. few things are as satisfying as hearing block people cry out in terror as they become part of a giant ball

on the opposite side of the awesome spectrum is shadow of the colossus, which i am currently playing. climbing up a tremendous beast and stabbing it in it's weak point until it dies (all the while hanging on for dear life as it attempts to shake you loose) it equally as satisfying as the katamari situation.



on a side note, i've been in a very strange place mentally lately, though it doesn't stop me from having the time of my life. i am extremely pleased with my decisions

life here has been quite hectic. every day, minus today, i've woken up and been busy for hours on end, until the early morning comes around and i go to sleep. seeing old friends rules ass


but also it's quite taxing. i don't deal as well as i should with new situations, especially around new people. while i've known these kids for years, my absence during their growth and changes makes them seem almost entirely new. so i'm attempting to feel them out right now, find a place that's comfortable. unfortunately, that means that i do my usual uncomfortable silence deal around them. eventually i'll talk and be merry around them, but there are still those periods where i feel awkward


in any case, there's been some hold ups regarding my residence, so i've kind of been slumming about michigan for the time being. i'll be there soon, it just kind of sucks right now because i'm so far away from all the action. alas, these things take time. soon enough all will be right as rain, as i believe it impossible for any damn thing to go wrong in my life


i suppose that's it for now. i've some

so i'm in michigan again


the ride was reallyfuckinglong! i got maybe an hour of sleep the night before, so i was kind of tired as hell.
after saying our goodbyes (parents crying is unsettling), we took off for the north. the story would be too long to tell entirely, so i'll just put some highlights:
-being called "miss" by a large man in a georgia mcdonald's
-beaverdale rd in georgia (i made it into a town and wrote a whole story/history for it)
-lamenting that all of tennessee smelled of horse shit (it's true! i made the mistake of lighting a celebratory cigarette when we got there!)
-BIG BONE LICK in kensucky
-TOUCHDOWN JESUS!!!! (he puts the "ham" in "champion")


so yeah. dan and i had some fun, cussed at some truckers, and ate shitty food. oh man! the last time i ate (before right now [yeah i'm eating and typing, what of it?]), was twelve hours ago

i leave in but a few hours for michigan. woo hoo hoo



i need it right now. i need, or at least really want, an illusion of freedom. i want to get out and do something, you know?
wow, that makes it seem like i'm justifying a crime. alas, it's just an explaination




it was nice seeing people pre-leaving. it felt nice to see people i hadn't in a while, even if it was just so i could leave them
and sean flynn hasn't called me so i can get my damn shirt. agh


au revoir, loves. we had a great run, and i'll see you in a few months

one more day



jeez louise time has flown by

today was taken up by kathryn! it was wonderful!
we started hanging out directly after she got out of work. she gave me an envelope from her mother, with a quite surprising (and generous) gift inside. i'll never forget how much i love k.v. and her family. we picked up her friend, then went to the library (i had some books to drop off). i had to leave suddenly, as i was getting a free haircut. i decided not to cut it, so much as style and layer it. it's certainly much lighter than before. after i got home (and took a quick shower) i headed on over to her house. i ate the rest of the villaverde's pizza (it was only two pieces) and then k.v., her friend and i sat and chatted for a while in her room. we also watched the movie funny games. not that good. once that ended, i drove k.v.'s friend home (kathryn in tow), then she and i stopped by walgreens, and i bought my last pack of florida cigarettes. i dropped her off home and went to mine

i'm gonna miss that girl something fierce




excitement is really starting to well up inside me. good gravy, cats and kittens, i can't wait! gah!

once i wake up, i plan on picking up jessica A.S.A.P. and treating her to some starbucks or perkins (her choice) and spending as much time as i can in her and anyone else who i happen to come across's company (kathryn again, as i promised her i'd visit her at work today. and maybe a surprise guest? time will tell)


that's right, folks, this is it. it's your last chance to see me before rocktober, when i make my triumphant return to florida a victorious university student. to the rest of you that i don't see, thanks for your time

i saw the dark knight for a second time tonight. i took jessica. many a joke and humourous observation were made. mostly by me. because i'm clever (i swear i am!)



guys! three days! left to see me! today, tomorrow, and tuesday. the three Ts damnit! i know i'm seeing jessica. that's a give in. and k.v. called me tonight, and we made plans to fuck shit up on monday. i think that means i'm finally busy! suck it, doubters!




still some pain. i'm on a crap ton of suppliments and such until test come back to see what's really wrong with me. damn kidneys bring me nothing but trouble! if it weren't for your necessity to my life, i swear...



all right cats and kittens, it's far too early for me to still be awake. i need to be up in just a few short hours to help some people move. not really looking forward, but some sweating and sptting and smoking in a tiny pair of shorts and a tank top should do me some good. (ladies, that visual is for you. use it, lest ye lose it)

so it turns out i might have kidney disease?

is this frightening? (check)
is this a potential health crisis? (check)
is this awesome? (double check)
am i worried? (no check)


protein in pee is apparently not a good thing



guys! i'm leaving in five days!

MY TESTS HAVE ONLY JUST BEGUN!

i have a mysterious medical malady
-doctors don't know what it is!
-it causes tremendous pains in my insides!
-i'm getting a crap ton of blood drawn for tests!
-i have to fast before my blood is drawn!


i'm honestly quite excited at the mystery and adventure in my yet undiagnosed health issues. i was asked a lot of weird questions, and offered medication for my acne (i turned it down, as i believe i'm pretty enough). tests tomorrow, and comprehensive evaluation on friday




sometimes life throws you a strange pitch
and the only thing you can do is swing and hope to god you knock it out of the park

now it's naptime!

i'm home early tonight!


another drawing of a beautiful woman tonight. i'm getting more and more accustomed to drawing the female form as i do more. i guess i'm a little obsessed with the gorgeous types right now. i also drink far too much coffee every night (my heart pounds this unrelenting war march)
are you a pretty girl? i should draw you, yes? yes




exactly one week and a day from now, i'll be en route to america's high five. i'm getting nervous and giddy about it (i told myself i wouldn't cry...). guys! listen up! time is running out on this offer! call now, and i'll even throw in a free hug and sincere compliment. but you must call now. supplies are limited, so as soon as the clock tick down to zero this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity will be gone for good. this is not sold in stores, so you must call now!



tonight, i was able to read the journal jenna and i wrote notes to one another in during my junior year in its entirety. when i've attempted this in the past, either sentimentality or shame took over so completely i had to put it down. it's amazing, looking back on those times. we were both so young and naïve at the time. she, an unassuming believer. i, a narcissistic poseur. but it was so sincere and adorable. it's nice to be able to look back, to remember all our strange quirks and moments. in all, it puts a smile on my face like watching a video of oneself as an infant, that mixture of reminiscence and embarrassment


my life is brilliant, people

t-minus several days and counting


a neighbor lady gave me a crap ton of wonderful art supplies the other day. really nice papers, pencils of various hardness, all the grey scale pastels one could ever think to use, and beatific coloured pencils
and i've been destroying their sanctity with pictures of silly things
like dinosaurs
and pretty girls
and terrible "science" experiments

i sit up until after the sun comes up and i draw/colour


guys! listen! i have important news!
i'm well on my way to becoming a starving artist! i'll be growing a beard to celebrate that occasion. then i can be like the world's foremost pretentious art-types and explain to everyone how important my life's work is. yep, life's gonna be sweet once i have a beard



in other news, i'm no longer under the impression that i am an ugly cuss. i am, instead, a weird yet charming cuss. and maybe handsome, why not?

the future is just a drunken phone call away!

i'd forgotten just how hopeful a sunrise is in real life


(cliché, to be sure)





it's just a small reminder that despite all the bullshit people will put you through, despite how horribly wrong things may go, the earth keeps turning. better pick up your damn feet or you'll become nothing but a memory quicker than you'd realise

or worse, you'll just fade away like so many snowbanks in the spring

(it's hopeful, just trust me on this one, guys)



the day or reckoning approaches
but rather than spend time with people, i colour my toe nails with green sharpie and convince ross to purchase murray's hair pomade (shit's waxy like nobody's business. i'm currently rocking a mad pompadour, ladies)

what i'm getting at in this unnecessarily verbose fashion is that i'm frightened i'll never see these floridians again. slowly our recollections of little quirks and the funny ways we pronounce different words will dim. this full-fledged person, friend, partner in crime, will become nothing more than a story told at parties. we'll be resigned to an i-had-this-friend or a when-i-was-a-teenager



then again, i've been told i'm too sentimental and sensitive
(by girls, no less)